If there’s one occasion I can’t stand it’s Valentine’s Day. I hate everything about it. Okay, obviously not everything because there’s chocolate involved. Chocolate. The one legal substance that makes this day even remotely bearable.
I think Valentine’s Day should be banned because it’s offensive to...well...me. Hell, I’d fight it if I thought I might actually stand a chance (and wasn't so supremely lazy). However, Valentine’s Day is such a huge cash cow, and a world full of pissed off florists is more frightening than I can imagine. Therefore, I propose instead that we create a special occasion to celebrate those losers of love. In fact, I propose that it follow directly after Valentine’s Day. On February 15th, we should have I’ll Never Find My True Wuv Day. Uh...we can make it Wuvwess Day for short. Yes, Wuvwess. An extremely obscure Scandinavian saint. Wuvwess, the Patron Saint of Those Who Ain’t Gettin’ Any. Oh, and there will be chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Probably discounted chocolate leftover from Valentine's Day.
What’s truly sad is that I don’t have PMS. I just woke up on the wrong side of this lifetime.