Title: Puppy Dog Kisses and Birthday Wishes
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: While the Action Figures mark the occasion of jackycomelately’s birthday, Lester turns rusty_armour’s apartment upside down looking for missing fictional puppies.
Category: It’s the usual: Action Figure fic. It’s gen with tiny references to slash. Crossover of Primeval, Enterprise, Stargate Atlantis, Doctor Who, Star Trek, Sherlock Holmes, Robin of Sherwood and Mr. Bean. Phew! I think that’s all the fandoms covered.
Rating: Gen – PG-13ish
Word Count: 1,946
Spoilers: I can’t think of anything specific. References to all the fandoms in general, I suppose.
Disclaimer: These characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me.
Notes: In case you hadn’t figured it out, this fic was written for jackycomelately’s birthday. Happy Birthday, jackycomelately, and apologies in advance!
Captain Jonathan Archer was taking Aramis on his daily walk around the blanket box and futon when he heard the unmistakable high-pitched yips of a puppy. Quickening his stride, Archer made his way towards the sound and spotted Lester and Lester!Dog. At first, Archer wondered if he had been mistaken and it had been Lester!Dog who had made the yipping sound, but then he saw what Lester was cradling in his arms.
Archer’s face split into a grin at the sight of the chubby little creature. “Your dog is a daddy now?”
“Well, I think that’s likely to be a safe assumption considering that I found the puppy near Lester, and the puppy is a German shepherd.” Lester may have been aiming for his usual brand of sarcasm, but he betrayed himself by staring down at the puppy in his arms in pure adoration.
“But where did it come from?” Archer asked.
Lester stared at Archer as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. Then he remembered that it was Archer. “Well, when a mommy dog and a daddy dog love each other very much...”
Archer rolled his eyes. “I mean, who’s the mother?”
It was now Lester who experienced a moment of confusion before his eyes fell on Kiki, who was playing with K-9 near the glider. “Naturally, I assumed it was Kiki. She seems the most logical choice. Why? Do you think it might have been K-9?”
Archer smiled sheepishly. “Well, Kiki does seem to be keeping close to the puppy. Did you only just find the puppy because he or she – ”
“It’s a she,” Lester said.
“She seems a bit big for a new-born puppy, wouldn’t you say?” Archer asked.
“And dogs usually give birth to multiple puppies. Even small dogs like Kiki would probably average a litter of three to four puppies.”
Lester’s eyes widened. “Good God! Are you suggesting that there may be missing puppies?”
“No, no, not at all. What I’m suggesting is – ”
“We have to find them!” Lester cried, rushing off. He returned a moment later, depositing the puppy in Archer’s arms. “You’re hardly my first choice, but you’ll have to do.”
“Lester...” Archer sighed and shook his head as Lester ran off again. He noticed that Lester!Dog had remained glued to the spot, his eyes fixed on his offspring. He reached down and gave Lester!Dog a friendly pat on the head. “What I’m suggesting is that the puppy arrived the same way that most of us did. Someone gave her to rusty_armour.”
“Remind me why we’re doing this again?” Sheppard asked.
“As is so often the case, rusty_armour has writer’s block,” McKay said. “She asked us to either create our own story or give heartfelt birthday wishes to jackycomelately while posing for cheesy photos.”
Sheppard grimaced. “So, naturally, everyone chose the heartfelt birthday wishes and cheesy photos. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to write the usual birthday fic. I mean, how hard can it be? rusty_armour manages to do it.”
“John, I’ve seen your attempts at creativity when fudging details on mission reports. Trust me. The cheesy photos are the safer option.”
McKay pasted a grin on his face and puffed out his chest. A moment later, he found himself in a headlock.
“Happy Birthday, jackycomelately!” Sheppard said. “I hope you have as much fun as we’ve been having!”
“Well, as we’re all here now, we can start taking these photographs that rusty_armour requires,” Reed said.
Mayweather stared at Reed in confusion. “But, sir, the captain’s not here.”
Reed was the picture of perfect innocence. “Oh, isn’t he? Well, I doubt jackycomelately is likely to notice.”
Tucker grinned. “Malcolm, when the captain said you two needed a break, he was referring to your relationship. You’ve still gotta work with the guy.”
Reed’s expression darkened. “That was two years ago, Trip! How long a break does the man need?”
T’Pol cleared her throat. “I think Lieutenant Reed is correct. We should commence these proceedings at once. The sooner we begin, the sooner we can finish and resume our assigned duties. There is no reason why Captain Archer could not appear in a separate photograph as reflecting his position as a Starfleet captain.”
“Are you going to be the one to tell him that?” Tucker asked.
“I thought Lieutenant Reed could tell him. After all, it is not as if his relationship with Captain Archer could get much worse.”
Reed opened his mouth to protest when a giant finger landed over his lips and half of his face.
“Could we take the picture already?” Giant Hand asked. “I’m getting tired of hovering here with this camera.”
“Uh, I think you’ll find that I’m the one holding the camera,” Other Giant Hand said. “All you have to do is work the zoom lens and press the button.”
Tucker smiled, working his Southern charm. “Ladies, I’m sure you’re both working hard. Let’s take this picture, so that you can go back to doing...Well, whatever you do when you’re not taking pictures.” Tucker gestured to his crewmates to come in closer, and the four Starfleet personnel took up their positions.
“Very best wishes on your special day, jackycomelately!” Mayweather said. “Happy Birthday!”
“Right,” the Doctor said. “It’s jackycomelately’s birthday, so we’ve got to say something...um...”
“Festive?” Rose asked.
The Doctor smiled. “Yes! Festive! It’s a special occasion, so we should extend our very best wishes to the birthday girl.”
“It is your birthday,” Dalek Sec said. “You will be EXTERMINATED!”
“No, no, no!” the Doctor cried. “That is not how we should extend our very best wishes to the birthday girl!”
“I don’t know,” Master 1.0 said. “It sounded all right to me.”
Master 2.0 grinned. “rusty_armour was struggling to find a theme for this year’s birthday fic. How about Logan’s Run? It’s a film where people are killed off on their birthday.”
Master 1.0 starred off into space dreamily. “Oh, Dalek Sec would be perfect for that. He’d save us from having to re-enact Carrousel. And the two of us could be Sandmen, while everyone else would have to be a Runner.” Master 1.0 cackled quietly to himself. “Run, Runner!”
“Renew, renew!” Master 2.0 shouted.
“Enough!” Rose said. “I have no idea what you two are on about, but we’re going to take this photo whether you like it or not, so start behaving and get over here. You too, Doctor, and you can stop sulking while you’re at it.”
“Yes, Mum,” the Doctor muttered.
Everyone grumbled and shuffled their feet (or wheels) as they gathered around Rose and stood waiting for the photo.
“Now, I want everyone to smile except the Masters because they always end up looking psychotic,” Rose said.
Just as Giant Hand was taking the picture, Lester walked into the shot. He had been so preoccupied with thoughts of the lost puppies that he hadn’t even noticed the intergalactic gathering.
“LESTER!” Rose shouted.
“I don’t do birthdays,” Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes said.
Sherlock Bear glanced suspiciously at Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes. “Not even Watson’s?”
“Well, yes, I do celebrate Watson’s birthday – when he reminds me that it’s his birthday and threatens me with his army revolver.”
“Perhaps you would feel moved by the occasion if you were threatened by some other weapon or implement,” Sherlock Bear said.
“Like a fist?” Other Giant Hand floated into view and hovered over Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes menacingly.
Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes cleared his throat nervously. “Happy may your birthday be. The wish of thy friend is happy be thy birthday. I wish you many bright returns of this, your natal day.”
Sherlock Bear sniffed. “That was beautiful.”
Tiny Sherlock stared up at Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes in astonishment. “How the deuce did you happen upon such twaddle?”
Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes sighed. “I had a case recently in which my client kept receiving overly sentimental birthday cards, even though her birthday had long passed. It turned out to be her former fiance’s revenge after she had broken off their engagement. It was a most trivial affair, and, yet, I have not succeeded in purging these cloying missives from my...Hello? What’s this?” Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes turned his head slightly to the right and discovered the miniscule intruder. “Mr. Lester, are you usually in the habit of sitting on the shoulders of private consulting detectives?”
“I am when I wish to hire them to find a litter of missing puppies,” Lester said. “Well, I say a litter, but it’s not the whole litter. I know where the one puppy is. I just need to track down the others.”
“I see.” Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes closed his eyes and settled back. “Please furnish me with a description of these missing puppies.”
“Well, if they’re anything like their sister, they’ll be German shepherdish.”
Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes opened one eye. “If they’re like their sister? Mr. Lester, have you actually laid eyes on these puppies before?”
“You have to help me,” Lester said. “I don’t know where else to turn.”
Herne Bear nodded sagely and raised his furry arms. “You should not seek that which can never be found. Only by trusting in the truth shall you prevail.”
Jenny had been looking for Lester for over half an hour. She almost missed him entirely as she passed rusty_armour’s bed because only his legs were visible.
Jenny crouched near the bed. “James, what are you doing?” she asked.
“Looking for missing puppies. What do you think I’m doing?”
Jenny’s brow creased. “Missing puppies? Plural? I thought there was only the one.”
“There is,” Archer said, coming to stand on the other side of Lester’s legs. “He ran off before I could tell him. I, uh, might have accidentally given him the impression that there were multiple puppies when there’s really just the one.”
“WHAT?” Lester crawled out from under the bed. He might have glared at Archer if he hadn’t been so busy brushing dust off his suit.
“Perhaps I might be of assistance.” T’Pol had been searching for Archer, who had been searching for Lester. Now, T’Pol had found them both. “Mr. Lester, there is and always has been just the one puppy. This puppy was given to rusty_armour by her sister. rusty_armour, in turn, gave the puppy to your dog.”
“But that doesn’t mean that the puppy isn’t Lester’s puppy,” Jenny said quickly. “Lester, the dog, I mean. And you’re still the puppy’s grandfather, James.”
Awkwardness descended as a dust-free Lester now stood, with arms crossed, glaring at everyone. T’Pol, who had grown accustomed to volatile and highly illogical human behaviour, broke the silence first.
“I believe it is customary for people to give names to their pets. Have you chosen a name for the puppy, Mr. Lester?”
“Hey, we could continue with a Three Musketeers theme,” Archer said. “My dog’s Aramis, so your puppy could be Constance or Milady.”
Lester’s lip curled in disdain. “No.”
“Well, you could always name the puppy after yourself again,” Jenny said, making no attempt to hide her sarcasm. “She’s a girl, isn’t she? How about Lesterina? Or what’s the female form of James? Jamie? Jemimah? Gemma?”
Lester looked thoughtful for a moment. “Hmm...Gemma...Yes, I quite like that name. I’ll go tell the father.”
Jenny sighed as she watched Lester rush off to find Lester!Dog, Archer following closely behind him. “Well, I suppose we aren’t going to get that photo anytime soon, so I’ll just give my best wishes to the birthday girl. Happy Birthday, jackycomelately!”
“Live long and prosper,” T’Pol said.
Crossposted at https://rusty-armour.dreamwidth.org/180572.html