I managed to write today for the first time in weeks and I'm so happy and relieved. It felt as if a large part of me was missing when I wasn't writing, but now everything seems to have clicked back into place. Oh, I wouldn't say that what I wrote today was wonderful, but it was something, thank Herne.
At first, I wasn't writing because I lost all motivation. I literally stopped caring. Then I just didn't have any time because I was staying later at work, betaing for other people, meeting up with friends and family, working on Christmas cards, doing Christmas shopping, tidying my apartment, putting up my tiny Christmas tree, etc. I think I might have been able to keep coming up with endless excuses to put off the frightening climb back into the saddle, but then I finally screwed up enough courage to watch "Remnants," the SGA episode I'd been avoiding for at least a month.
As soon as I saw the trailer for "Remnants," I didn't want to watch it. I hated "Common Ground" and I really wasn't looking forward to yet another episode in which Kolya tortures Sheppard. I obviously take my shows way too seriously, but "Commond Ground" genuinely upsets me. I was only able to watch it a second time with commentary and, even then, I was squirming and flinching. So...it was with great reluctance that I forced myself to watch "Remnants". Ironically, after all the fretting and carrying on, I didn't have a problem with it. I had imagined worse things happening than what the episode actually delivered. In fact, the torture seemed almost tame compared to "Common Ground," especially when I discovered that Kolya was just a hallucination and Sheppard had been inventing his own torture. Talk about lack of an imagination! If it had been me, I would have concocted much worse for myself. Kolya would have been hauling out the rack, or throwing me into a cell of little ease. No, wait. He'd start with a threat of drowning because that would probably break me easily. If that didn't work, he'd suggest hanging by the neck or burning at the stake. I'm telling you. Sheppard got off easy. Maybe that's why the episode didn't bother me: Kolya wasn't quite Kolya.
Anywaaaaaaay, my point is that I quickly realized what a big baby I had been by avoiding the episode, especially as it meant that I had to put "Brain Storm," "Infection," and "Identity" on hold as well. Okay, I'll admit that I was a little reluctant to watch "Brain Storm" because I'd heard it was heavy on the McKeller and the only thing it seemed to have going for it was Dave Foley. However, much to my horror, I found the McKeller moments rather endearing. I'd like to blame it on David Hewlett's great skill as an actor and his ability to sell the relationship I've been stubbornly resisting. Unfortunately, I think I must be starting to accept it on some level because I ended up watching "Infection" right after "Brain Storm" to see how McKay and Keller might be acting after joining the Mile High Club and whether there would be any reaction from the team. I have to admit that I love the exchange between Sheppard and Ronon at the beginning of "Brain Storm," when Sheppard asks Ronon if he thinks McKay will ever make a move on Keller.
Uh...what was the point of this post again? Oh, right. The much shorter version of the story is that watching those episodes actually made me want to write again. So nothing very exciting and information that probably could have been conveyed in a few sentences rather than a few paragraphs. But, then, what would be the fun in that? *g*