I've just finished watching the absolute WORST Sherlock Holmes movie I've ever seen. It was worse than Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace, the 2002 version of The Hound of the Baskervilles, Sherlock Holmes in New York, and even The Crucifer of Blood. The film that has earned this particular distinction is Asylum's Sherlock Holmes. I will refer to it as Shitty Holmes for the remainder of this post.
A friend of mine was unfortunate enough to purchase this DVD because she thought it would be worth it for the steampunk elements. She was proven disastrously wrong. In fact, her husband said that this should have been the Holmes film I was boycotting rather than the Ritchie film. Now that I've seen Shitty Holmes, I can definitely see his point. And after her husband's comment, my friend came up with the excellent idea of lending me the DVD to prepare me for the Ritchie film -- because after suffering through Shitty Holmes ANY film will look better. Don't believe me? Check out the trailer:
The sad thing is this trailer doesn't even come close to encapsulating the true vileness that is Shitty Holmes. I'm not even sure if words can do justice to its awfulness. The script is completely ludicrous. It's a mish mash of disparate elements that could never have worked, even if the script had been penned by a decent writer. The acting is atrocious. Most of the cast seems to have been made up of players from some local dramatic society. The only member of the cast who could act was Gareth David-Lloyd, who played Watson. It's possible that Dominic Keating would have done a good job if he hadn't been saddled with such a preposterous part. As my friend pointed out, poor Dom looks embarrassed to be there.
One of the worst things of all is Holmes himself. I don't think they could have cast a worse actor in the part. Ben Syder just isn't suitable for the role at all. I think they should have cast Gareth David-Lloyd as Holmes, as they only seemed to hire him and Dominic Keating for their sci-fi star power. As it was, Gareth David-Lloyd seemed to get more action than Ben Syder, who was off on the sidelines more than once in the film. As Syder looked like a slimy little toad with that greasy longish hair and strange costume (e.g. the top half of a tux with khakis), I can see why they wanted to keep him out of shot.
I could go on, but that would just be cruel. Besides, I've wasted enough precious minutes of my life on this film already! *
* I'm ashamed to confess that I actually did waste more precious minutes of my life on this film because I went back to watch the behind-the-scenes featurette, bloopers and commentary. What can I say? I'm a special features girl.
I also appear to be a masochist. *g*